Memories
by ILoveLilies13
Summary: After a accident Ethan is left wondering who he is and why his memories have seemed to fade away.
1. Blurred faces

**Just a short story based of a idea I had yesterday. Enjoy!**

* * *

Ethan crossed the road after the little green man told him he could, swinging his brown leather briefcase as he walked. The sun was peaking though the clouds and the small rays would occasionally trickle over his face, warming it on the crisp winter morning. After a good nights sleep he was on his way to a long shift but Cal had just gone home after an all nighter with a massive RTC. He'd stumbled though the door, tossed off his shoes and fallen onto the sofa with exhaustion and quickly drifted off into a deep sleep. He looked down and watched his shoes as he counted the stripes that passed underneath his feet. He always did that as a child, or he and Cal had a race for who could get to the other side of the crossing quickest without stepping on the white stripes. They'd hopscotch across the road as their mother sighed just behind them and the drivers sat in their cars would smile at them.

As he stepped onto the pavement again his ears picked up a screeching sound and his head jerked up to see a motorbike speeding past all the shops and down the pavement, narrowly missing many people. His mind asked so many questions at once. What was he doing? Why was he driving on the pavement? Has he hit anyone? But the main thought in his head was MOVE OUT THE WAY. His eyes widened with fear as the bike came closer and closer and without thinking he quickly stepped backward to avoid getting hit, straight into the moving traffic.

Everything moved in slow motion.

Pain shot though Ethan's body and the world seemed to swirl in front on him as a car slammed onto it's breaks just as it hit him and he fell to the ground. His head smacked against the ground leaving his life flashing before his eyes. Panic filled the air and tears welled up in Ethan's eyes. He wanted his mum. He wanted to hug her, smell the smell of her perfume and snuggle up with one of the knitted cardigans she used to wear. He missed his mum. He wanted his brother. Why did they have to be so far away? The memories of his childhood were littered in front of his eyes. Flashes of his family and fun times. 'Where am I?' he thought as he felt the cold hard ground beneath him. "Why am I here?" he croaked though nobody replied. The world slowly faded to black.

* * *

"Ethan? Can you hear me?" Ian asked relatively loudly and he checked his vitals.

Ethan's eyes flickered open and he squinted as the sun shined in them. He lifted and shaky hand and pulled the oxygen mask off his face. "How.." Ethan struggled to speak and his lips were dry. "how..do you know…" he said with all his might, his breaths raspy and painful in his dry throat and battered chest.

"How do I know what?" Ian asked, one eyebrow raised.

"My name?" Ethan finished his sentence.

Ian frowned and put the oxygen mask back on Ethan's face and turned to dixie who was just behind him.

"Dix, we've got a potential head injury." Ian said quietly.

* * *

"This is Ethan Hardy, he was involved in a RTC. GCS is 12, neck and spine was cleared and he was KO'd at the scene. He's tachycardic with a pulse of 120, BP 120/90 and sat's are 98%. He has a potential head injury, 2 broken ribs and he's had 5 of morphine." Ian recited as he pushed the trolly though to resus. Connie looked up from her files when she heard Ethan's name spoken by Ian and quickly followed the trolly though to resus, ready to treat him.

Ethan looked up at the blurry people around him and realised someone had taken his glasses off.

He pulled the oxygen mask off again with a shaky hand and asked "Where are my glasses?". Nobody answered his question although she seemed to be centre of attention as they asked him to shuffle onto the next bed and hooked him up to the machines.

"I'm just going to have a look at your chest Ethan." Connie said after pulling on her gloves.

"How..how do you know…my..my name?" Ethan asked fearfully. He recognised the people around him yet at the same time he didn't know who they were. All the faces were new. There was a man with messy, curly hair and worried expression. The woman who knew his name was speaking to the man in the green uniform who also knew his name. He was from up north he reckoned, and he'd found out that he was a paramedic.

"How do you know my name?" He asked again. He sounded like a scared child. "I want my mum!" The man with messy hair walked over to him and tried to calm him then put the oxygen mask back on his face. He tried to pull it off again to speak.

"How does everyone know my name? What..is my name?" he asked the man with curly hair with big fearful eyes. He frowned and let the mask be put on his face again. As he breathed deeply his chest hurt but he felt like his brain hurt more. He felt like he was speaking but not being heard. He wondered what his name was again. "Nibbles?" he whispered as he breathed out.


	2. Remember?

Cal watched the small TV as he ate his toast. The news was on and images of missing people or accidents appeared on the screen next to the woman at the desk reporting the latest. He un-muted it as he finished his toast and listened to a report about a freak motorbike accident.

"Just an hour ago this street was filled with happy shoppers and people going about their day, now, it's quartered off by police tape. A male on a motorbike sped down the street harming people and tearing up the shops, as of late it is unknown if this is a attack. Whilst many people managed to get out the way and left the scene with minor injures two people were seriously injured. A young man, Doctor Ethan Hardy, reportedly stepped back to move out the way and straight into moving traffic. He was hit by an oncoming car and has been taken into intensive care at Holby Hospital. Laura Thompson was hit by the motorbike and has also been taken to Holby hospital with fatal injuries." The news reporter said in her usual serious voice as phone footage from a witness played on the screen beside her.

Cal's heart dropped and he fumbled for the remote to rewind the tv. He pressed play again and the words Ethan Hardy and seriously injured stuck out like a sore thumb. No sooner did he hear what had happened to Ethan he jumped up and ran out the door, grabbing his keys but forgetting his coat on the way. The door slammed closed behind him and the house phone rang loudly in the empty flat.

* * *

"No answer?" Robyn asked Lofty as he put down the phone a forth time. "Try his mobile." she suggested and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder before she left. Robyn breathed deeply as she walked into resus preparing for one of the saddest shifts yet.

Lofty typed the mobile number into the phone and crossed his fingers as it started to ring.

"Sorry I can't take your call right now. Leave a message."

Lofty sighed with annoyance and sadness but as he looked up he saw Cal running though reception and relief filled him. He ran to the front desk before Jack could speak to him and ushered him aside.

"Lofty, where is he? What's happened?" Cal asked loudly, his brow creased with worry.

"He's in resus.." Lofty began but was cut off abruptly as Cal started running into resus. The doors swung open and he burst in, his eyes frantically searching for Ethan.

"Dr. Knight." Connie greeted Cal and called him over to bay 3. She put a hand out to stop him from seeing Ethan and whispered something in his ear. Fear overwhelmed Cal. His head fell into his hands, his eyes stung with tears and his breathing quickened. He felt like he could scream and cry yet at the same time shock was suffocating him.

Ethan felt so afraid. Everyone knew his name but he didn't know who they were at all. They were being so kind and gentle with him and he felt like he was being treated like a child although he didn't mind. It was kind of reassuring when he was so confused. He watched the lady called Connie tell something to a tall man. He recognised the man. Was it the same man as the one in the green uniform? Or one of the police officers that were waiting to speak to him?

The man started walking over to him and he shrivelled back, clutching at the thin blanket on the bed. Then he noticed he had sad eyes. They were red and he seemed to be breathing quickly like he'd just been running. He stopped leaning back and pushed his glasses further up his nose.

"Hey Ethan." The man said as he stood beside the bed.

"How do you know my name?" Ethan replied curiously. "I thought my name was nibbles?"

The man started crying again and Ethan held out his hand, opening it slowly to reveal a clean folded tissue.

"You can have mine if you want. They keep giving them to me but I don't need them." He said politely, trying his best to smile and comfort the man. He lifted his blanket and showed the man a pile of folded tissues sitting neatly on the bed. "See?"

Cal nodded and took the tissue to wipe his eyes rather than using his sleeve.

"You can call me Ethan but my real name is nibbles..I think. Someone used to call me that." Ethan said trying his best to remember but it hurt.

Cal took a deep breath, trying to regain control of his breathing and watched his brother smiling half heartedly.

"Do you remember me?" Cal asked nervously. "I'm your brother."

"I'm sorry. Who are you?" Ethan asked sadly.

"Excuse me?" Ethan tried to get attention of Lofty although he still couldn't remember his name. "This man says he's my brother and it's making him cry."


	3. List

**Just a quick note to say the new Casualty trailer broke my heart, especially crying Ethan and if you would like to chat about Casualty or writing tips then you can private message my account because I'd love to chat with you all and nobody I know likes Casualty aha! You're all just very lovely :)**

* * *

Cal breathed out heavily as he wiped his eyes with his hands and looked up. He ran his hands though his hair as he thought, pulling on it as he broke down even more. Ethan didn't know who he was. All his past memories were gone and although he was beginning to remember day to day things he was still struggling. It upset him to see Ethan so confused as he tried to desperately remember a name or what he had for lunch. Of course, Ethan wasn't as sad because he didn't know any of his past or why the tall man in the ward sitting next to him was crying his eyes out. He just offered tissues and watched him with big eyes like a curious child. Cal pulled out his wallet and took a folded photo out the back of it. He unfolded it gently; it was faded and wearing away at the edge but the smile of Cal still stood out brightly as he held Ethan in his arms, just days after he was born. His mother sat on the bed next to him with messy hair and pj's on helping Cal to support Ethan's head with a proud smile on her face. Cal felt he remembered that day fondly though he was very young. He didn't know if he remembered it from all the photos or if he actually had a memory stuck at the back of his mind of it but he certainly felt like the remembered feeling immensely proud and happy.

Ethan put his hands on the side of his bed and clutched the cold metal tightly as he leaned over in an attempt to pear the photograph.

"May I see?" Ethan asked politely staring into Cal's eyes pleadingly. Cal just couldn't describe the way his brother looked at everything. It was like he was seeing the world for the first time again, so full of wonder and curiosity. So child-like with wide eyes and happy smiles. Cal smiled slightly and handed him the picture.

"Is that your family?" Ethan asked as he inspected the photo holding it close to his eyes as if he was taking in every little detail.

"Yes." Cal replied with a little spark of hope.

"Your girlfriend or wife is very pretty. How old are your children? They look very similar to you." Ethan asked.

Cal's stomach dropped as did his face and Ethan retreated again eyeing he'd upset Cal. Cal took the photo back and just replied with a sad look leaving Ethan to wonder for a minute but then dismiss the matter.

Ethan's emotions had changed too Cal had noticed. He could be sad one second then he'd turn round and he'd be smiling from ear to ear again. They changed so quickly and were obvious to tell on his face, especially when he was scared. He would move backwards as if he was trying to curl up in a ball and protect himself.

Cal looked up as Charlie entered the room. Charlie gave Cal a quick look of sadness before turning to Ethan with a big smile of his face.

"A little birdie told me you learnt your name." He said as if he was speaking to a young child.

Ethan shuffled round a bit and pulled a piece of paper from underneath him and sat up straight, beaming proudly. He read the paper, pulling it close to his eyes. "My name is Ethan." he said and looked up ready to receive praise.

"And what's my name?" Charlie asked.

Ethan hid the paper for a moment and scrunched up his face to think. "Ch..Charlie?" he said, his head tiled to the side, still deep in thought.

"Yes! Well done."

Cal smiled fondly at his brother's efforts. He always used to scrunch his face up like that when he was thinking when he was younger. He dropped the habit by the time he left uni which disappointed Cal because he found it funny. He'd missed that funny scrunched up face but it made him sad to see it again because that meant he really had forgotten everything; he needed to learn everything all over again.

Cal was broken out of his thoughts my Ethan speaking again. "I only remember your name because you're the old one".

"How old is old?" Charlie laughed.

"humm 50?" Ethan said with his face squashed up again.

"Well i'm the old old one then!" Charlie chucked. Ethan blushed and watched his hands fiddle with his paper as he hid his face.

"Come on, you get some rest now." Charlie said as he helped Ethan lie down. Ethan wriggled as he got comfy under the sheets and feel asleep as his head hit the pillow. The piece of folded paper that held his name fell to the floor as his hands relaxed. Cal picked it up before following Charlie out of the ward, taking one last look at his peacefully sleeping brother as he left.

"I don't think I can do this Charlie." Cal said as the door closed softy behind him. He collapsed against the wall to rest, ran his fingers though his hair and watched the ceiling. "If he can hardly remember names how is he supposed to remember his past? If he even can remember it?"

Charlie looked at Cal sadly. "You have to stay strong. It'll take time but you're the main person you can help him unlock the memories to his past. He needs you now, more than ever."

"He doesn't remember any of his life. He thinks photos of us are my child and he can't even remember my name Charlie." Cal said tears running down his face.

"He doesn't remember any of your life. You grew up together and stuck together, keep it that way. We're all here for you Cal." Charlie said and placed a reassuring hand on Cal's shoulder before leaving.

Cal opened Ethan's piece of paper he'd picked up and unfolded it to see lots of names in Ethan's neat print.

 _My name is Ethan._

 _The old one is Charlie._

 _The curly haired one is Lofty._

 _The ginger one is robyn._

 _The nice woman is Connie. She's in charge._

 _The one in the green uniform is Ian._

The list went on, telling Ethan of all the people he'd met and how to recognise them. Then right at the bottom there where three lines in slightly smudged ink next to a tear drop.

 _I call myself nibbles. The tall is my brother Cal and he is sad. I can't remember him and it make's me said._

Cal looked though the door window at his brother again tears trickling down his cheeks still. Maybe there was a bit of hope.


	4. Home

"The nurse says we can go home today but she'll visit us everyday at home." Cal told Ethan as he packed up his brothers things. Ethan watched him with a smile then stuck something under his nose.

"Look. Charlie got me a notepad so I can remember everything!" Ethan said enthusiastically, waving the leather brown pad under his brothers nose. Cal took it from his flailing hand and and looked inside it to amuse Ethan. It was like having his baby brother back when he was 5 or 6 years old and would follow Cal around, telling him everything he'd learnt that day from his books about space. Cal had returned the note of everyone's names and it was now stuck on the first page with a bit of tape. Smiling genuinely for the first time in days he handed back the note pad and said "Come on Eth. I've got a surprise for you at home. Ethan opened the pad, pulled a pen from behind his ear and noted down that Cal also called him Eth as well as Ethan and that they were going home. He stuck his tongue out as he concentrated and put the date at the top of the page.

"Ready!" he said as he stuck the pen back behind his ear and smiled gleefully at Cal.

* * *

The door of the flat opened with a click and Cal ushered Ethan inside, out of the chilly corridors. Ethan's eyes widened as he entered to see a homemade banner bearing the words Welcome home Ethan!. Cal beamed as he watched Ethan's face break into a smile as he took in the whole flat. He dashed all over the place looking at the framed photos in such detail and peering curiously out the window and at the television.

"It's clean for once." Ethan said happily.

A frown crossed Cal's face for a second. "What do you mean?"

Ethan swivelled round to look at Cal with a grin.

"It's always clean!" Cal joked.

"No, I always clean! I used to keep the place clean!" Ethan said joyfully. He felt like he could jump for joy. He had remembered something and although it was a minor detail it felt like the best thing in the world. He quickly jotted down in his diary about how he liked things to be kept clean while Cal watched him with a smirk.

Cal popped the kettle on then handed Ethan a small box messily wrapped in snowflake wrapping paper.

"Christmas gift?" Ethan asked with his head tilted sideways and he took the box from Cal's offering hands.

"Mumm just a gift but that was the only paper I could find. It's March remember."

"Ahh yes it's March." Ethan said with a nod of his head, kicking himself for not remembering.

"Come on, open it!" Cal said eagerly.

Ethan pulled off the wrapping and his eyes filled with excitement like a child a christmas. As the snowflake paper fell on the floor he pulled the gift close to his face to inspect it.

"It's a polaroid camera." Cal explained. "I know you have your diary but I thought you could take photos of important moments to help you remember them."

"Thank you!" Ethan exclaimed and pulled open the box. He pointed the new camera at Cal's face, squinted with concentration, and snapped a photo of his brother smiling at him.

"Hey, why are you taking photos of me?" Cal laughed and put his fingers on the lens as Ethan pressed the button again. The photos slowly printed out and Ethan lay them on the work surface to watch the image appear before scribbling dates on the bottom of them.

"Go and look on the coffee table, there's another gift." Cal said as he made them both a cup of tea. Ethan rushed over to the coffee table and sat down on the sofa with excited eyes to see a photo album. He flicked though the photos taking in all the details and descriptions whilst Cal looked at the pictures Ethan had just taken. One was of him smiling with the words '17/3/16 I came home with my brother.' underneath and the other was slightly blurry with one finger on the lens at an attempt to cover his laughing face. At the bottom in Ethan's neat handwriting it read 'I love my brother lots.' The ink glistened in the light as did the photo as they dried and Cal smiled at them happily.

"Here you go." Cal said as he placed Ethan's cup of tea on the coffee table and settled on the sofa to look at the photos. Ethan muttered a thanks as he went to pick up the tea, whilst still turning the pages of the album but as he tried to pick the cup up he caught it with his hand and instead of picking it up he pulled if off the table onto his lap and the floor. Tears immediately flooded from Ethan's face and he whimpered as the hot tea spilt over him.

"I spilt my tea!" Ethan howled like a small child. He jumped up from the sofa and started hopping around from the burning felling on his legs. Cal felt so guilty as he helped calm Ethan and mop up the tea.

"Go and change your trousers and i'll make you another." Cal said sympathetically.

Ethan retreated into the bedroom with his name on the front, sobbing quietly. Sighing, Cal's head fell into his hands. It was like it wasn't just his memory had gone, it was his whole life. Everything he knew about everything. Sure he could still read and write and count but it was like someone had pressed a reset button and he was growing up again. He'd gone from a fully functioning adult to a child and even the medical part of Cal was confused. Cal jumped out of thought as a howling sob sounded from the bedroom.

"I'm coming Ethan!" He called as he jumped up and jogged into the bedroom. He opened the door to see Ethan on the floor, still in soggy trousers crying into his hands.

"I CAN'T FIND MY TROUSERS" Ethan shouted though long sobs and hiccups.

"Shhh, it's okay. I'll help you." Cal soothed as he dropped to his knees by Ethan and pulled his brother into a hug. "Don't cry nibbles. Please don't cry." Cal's mind flashed back to the days where he used to mutter the same words to his brother when he cried in is cot or when he fell over and cut his knees. If someone was nasty to Ethan at school or he had a nightmare he'd always pull him close and shh him. He rocked his brother back and forwards as Ethan rested his head on Cal's chest and cried. The room was silent apart from the grunting sobs from Ethan.

"It was just a cup of tea. Thing's will be better soon, I promise."


	5. Wise words and hazel eyes

"Good morning. My name is Zoe." The nurse greeted as Cal opened the door. She was short and smiley with brown hair in a neat ponytail and kind hazel eyes. Cal let her in and made a few comments about the weather and asked if she wanted a cup of tea trying his best to be polite and happy although he was exhausted.

"I'm fine thank you." Zoe said declining the tea as she took of her coat and sat down on the sofa. "So, I'll be coming round every morning at 10 for an hour or two over the next three months. After that we'll se how Ethan is doing a we'll consider if the visits need to be more frequent or if they should go down to three times a week. Let's hope it's the latter, eh?"

Cal sat down in the chair opposite her with a coffee in his hand and nodded along.

"I'll go see Ethan now but is there anything I ought to know?" Zoe asked.

"Well Ethan was quite upset last night after spilling his tea over him and I sat up with him until 4am because he didn't want to sleep or be left alone but otherwise, the memory is still the same." Cal said sadly as he rubbed the sleep out his eyes.

Zoe sadly smiled as she listened in a sympathetic and understanding way. "I can't even begin to know how you feel. It's blessing and a curse to do the jobs we do isn't it? But at the end of the day we are helping others and that's the most wonderful feeling. Everyone says it but thing's will get better and i'm sure Ethan is trying too."

"That's the thing. He is trying, so hard and it's hurting him. He's thoughtful and pensive and to get stuck in guilt or worry in his mind is really terrible. He beats himself up when he isn't even in the wrong and right now I can't even imagine the things he's thinking. He's different but he's still Ethan." Cal stared out the window at the grey sky as he spoke, his voice wobbling with sadness. He sipped his coffee and wiped his weary eyes gently before the tears escaped.

* * *

Zoe gently pushed open the door marked with Ethan's name to see the bespectacled young man sitting on the floor surrounded by paper and photos. He had his eyes closed and his brow was knotted in concentration. His hands moved though the air nimbly as though he was quickly flicking though a imaginary filling cabinet. Zoe watched with a bemused expression as he 'read' files in mid air and tilted his head in deep thought. She quietly walked over and sat down in front of him, mimicking the crossed legs position he was in.

"Hello." She whispered and laughed as Ethan's eyes flew open and he nearly fell backwards with surprise. "Do you practice yoga often?" she asked with a smirk.

"It..it..it's not y..yoga." Ethan said defensively as he crossed his arms in a childish way. "It's a memory technique."

"Oh really?" Zoe replied with exaggerated surprise in her voice.

"Oh yes. Sherlock does it! He has a mind palace and it's a place where he sees all his memories but it's in his head so I thought i'd make myself a mind hospital." Ethan said proudly.

"What's in your mind hospital so far?" Zoe asked.

Ethan jumped up excitedly and began gabbling about all the things he'd remembered or learnt and how he was trying to store them in his 'mind hospital. "I made a family tree as well!" he exclaimed, showing Zoe a piece of paper covered in names. "This part his my family." he explained pointing at a section with his and Cal's name and mom joint up by the small lines. "Then this bit is my friends but they feel like family." Ethan smiled pointing out a long straight line with names underneath it like Robyn - the one with orange hair and Charlie - the old old one (Charlie said to call him old old, i'm not cheeky). Zoe laughed and felt like crying at the same time.

"You're so sweet!" she said as he offered her arms out for a hug.

Ethan ran over to her and hugged her rather roughly, throwing his arms around her waist and squeezing her tight. Then he lent backwards and raised a eyebrow. "Who are you?".

Zoe burst into laughter and hugged him again. "Bless your little cotton socks! I'm the nurse from the hospital remember? I'm Zoe." she smiled.

"Right, Zoe." Ethan scrunched up his nose as he tried to remember.

"It's okay if you can't remember. Come on, let's put it in your diary." Zoe said sympathetically.

"No, i'll put it on my family tree!" Ethan smiled, jumping out of his thoughts of annoyance of forgetting again. He noted down Zoe as the kind nurse that gives good hugs on the piece of paper and stuck it proudly on his wall.

"Now, do you want to see what i've got?" Zoe smiled and pulled labels out her pocket. "I thought we could label your draws so no more forgetting where your clothes are."

Ethan blushed and laughed to himself. "I couldn't find my trousers last night."

"I hope you were wearing them! I don't like the thought of you running round the house half naked and i'm sure Cal wouldn't like it either!" Zoe joked. "Well check your vitals too and make sure everything's tickity boo."

* * *

Zoe closed the door softly behind her as she left Ethan to rummage though the many pictures and memories and as she looked up she saw Cal slumped over in the chair, fast asleep. She smiled fondly and pulled the tartan blanket off the arm of the sofa, draping it over him to keep him warm. He wriggled slightly and pulled the blanket closer, snoring softly. Zoe left the flat swiftly and the door clicked closed behind her just as Ethan poked his head round the bedroom door. He tiptoed over to Cal, sniggering like a mischievous child, and snapped a picture of him sleeping with his camera.


	6. Alarm

**Oh I do feel so guilty making Ethan forget everything! I do make make the characters suffer, don't I? Hopefully all will be well soon and thank you all for your lovely reviews :)**

* * *

Cal woke suddenly as he felt something on his arm and his eyes sprung open to see Ethan hitting him with a towel.

"What are you doing?" Cal asked slightly grumpily putting his hands up to cover his face from the flailing wet towel.

"The kitchen's on fire!" Ethan shouted, jumping up and down on the spot frantically as he continued to hit Cal with the towel.

Cal leaped out the chair and the grabbed the towel off Ethan as he skidded across the wooden floor to the kitchen. The fire alarm began beeping loudly and Cal cursed as he spotted thick grey smoke slithering out the oven. Ethan began crying and shouting loudly as he cowered against the back of the chair with his hands over his ears. Cal pulled open the oven, flapping the towel to clear the smoke, and spotted a blackened, slightly flaming cake in the oven. The room began to fill with smoke and Ethan began coughing loudly as he tucked his head into his knees and rocked back and forth. Without thinking Cal grabbed the hot tin out the oven and cried out in pain before dumping it into the sink. The burnt cake sizzled as the soapy dish water put out the little fire and the dirty forks and glasses bobbed up and down around it.

"What the hell were you doing?" Cal asked Ethan angrily but as he turned round to hear the answer he spotted Ethan on the floor, crying.

"Oh Ethan!" Cal said as he ran over and sat next to Ethan, pulling him close.

"It's too loud!" Ethan said though sobs as he pressed his hands more tightly to his ears. Cal put a reassuring hand on his brothers shoulder then stood back up and hit the fire alarm roughly making it stop the high pitched beeping. Ethan slowly pulled his hands away from his ears as the room fell silent and looked up at Cal with sad eyes and tear tracks down his face.

"Come here." Cal said and opened his arms out wide, offering a hug. Ethan pushed himself up gingerly from the floor and stumbled into Cal's arms.

"Woah, you oaky nibbles?" Cal asked as he steadied his brother and hugged him tightly.

"I'm fine." Ethan muttered. "The question is, are you okay?" Ethan asked with his brows raised as he took Cal's arms from around him and showed Cal his hands. "

"They're fine." Cal tried to wave over the matter but he winced as Ethan poked at his hands to prove his point. "Alright, alright! We'll get them checked out." Cal said as he quickly redrew his hands away from Ethan. They felt like they were on fire and shone bright red.

"I was baking a cake for you." Ethan said quietly a minute later as he watched Cal hold his hands under cool running water from the kitchen tap. Cal looked up and at his meek looking brother though the light smoke that twirled in the air.

"Go open the window." he said with a smile.

* * *

"Oooh Hello, I haven't seen you in a while!" Jack said and he leaned across the counter admiring Ethan. Ethan smiled politely at him and nudged Cal in the ribs.

"Where've you been? Noel said you lost your memory or something but you remember me don't you?" Jack smiled as he ignored the ringing phone next to him.

"Of course I remember you." Ethan said and laughed to himself as Cal said "How could you not?" under his breath.

Noel sighed and picked up the phone that jack was ignoring as he directed Cal to cubicles with his free hand. Ethan followed Cal down the corridor taking in everyone dashing around and all the familiar surroundings.

"Oh look! It's lofty!" Ethan said and pointed as the passed the messy haired nurse whom walked straight into a pillar as he waved back at Ethan rather than looking where he was going.

"Dr. Knight, you're late." Connie said as she appeared in front of the brothers with a stern look on her face and her arms full of files. "And i'm short staffed today. Go and put your uniform on quickly."

"Um, I fell asleep and then Ethan decided to bake a cake." Cal said nervously as he held his hands out to show Mrs Beauchamp his swollen and blistered hands.

"Uh," Connie began with her hand pressed against her head as she thought. "Well, go and get them dressed then hurry and get changed for work. You can work overtime."

"I can't leave Ethan to go home on his own and I only brought him because I couldn't leave him alone after what happened earlier."

Connie looked at Ethan who was watching everyone with wide eyes and a eager face and her own face seemed to soften a bit. She sighed and said "Go hand get those hands sorted then go home but I want you in tomorrow early got it? I'll have to call Dr. Hanna in for extra help again."

"Thank you." Cal said gratefully and ushered Ethan over.

"Thank you Mrs Beauchamp." Ethan said politely at Cal's request.

"That's okay. I see your memory is improving."

"Yes! I made a mind hospital and you're the kind doctor." Ethan said proudly as he easily remembered the notes next to Connie's mane in his diary.

Rita sniggered as she walked past as she heard Ethan call their boss nice.

"And Cal thinks you're very pretty and would love to h-" Ethan began but was cut of sharply by Cal. "I think you're a very good Clinical Lead and we should stop taking up your time." Cal said with one hand on Ethan's shoulder to keep in quiet. He laughed nervously and headed to cubicles leaving Connie in the corridor with her eyebrows raised in amusement and confusion.

"Where did you learn that from?" Cal hissed.

"A porter wrote it in my diary." Ethan said simply.

"Oh god, Max." Cal cursed under his breath as he sat down to have his hands seen too.


	7. Torn

**I'm sorry! I feel like I haven't updated in ages and I've been neglecting my writing. I'm in a kind of lazy limbo where I have so much to do but can't bring myself to anything. So i've attempted to cheer myself up with some old casualty episodes and by writing this. Enjoy!**

* * *

Zoe called out hello as she entered the flat to see Ethan sat in the chair watching the blank tv intensely.

"I passed Cal in the corridor." She said as she hung her coat up. "He said he was late but you'd had breakfast. What did you have for breakfast Ethan?" Zoe asked kindly as she walked over to Ethan. She rested her hand on his shoulder and he looked up at her in shock, obviously oblivious to the fact she'd walked in. He grinned as he pushed his glasses further up his nose and offered her a seat on the sofa with his waving hand.

"Hello Zoe." said Ethan. His leather bound notepad sat on the arm of the chair and he tapped a rhythm on it with his fingertips as he thought. "I had toast for breakfast." he said with his brows scrunched up as he thought back to what had happened earlier that morning. "It burnt so Cal had to redo it. He doesn't trust me using the kitchen on my own anymore."

Zoe listened with her usual empathetic glances and lovely smile as she checked his blood pressure. "What did you do last night? Anything interesting on TV?" she asked as she held his wrist with her gentle fingers and watched her watch pinned to her uniform.

"Cal and I played monopoly and he tried to cheat but I won. I think we ordered pizza for dinner because Cal couldn't be bothered to cook." Ethan said as he eyed the pizza boxes on the kitchen counter. He drew his hand away from the notepad and looked at Zoe who was smiling at him fondly.

"Can you test me?" he asked quickly as he watched his fidgeting hands in his lap. "On medical things?"

Zoe looked puzzled and placed her hands on top of his making them relax. "Are you worried?"

Ethan hesitated for a moment then tried to push his worries aside. "I'm scared I've forgotten everything I know about medicine and I won't be able to work at Holby anymore." he gabbled nervously.

Zoe sighed at looked at him sadly as she said, "I'm not sure you've forgotten everything completely. It's just tucked at the back of your brain, covered in cobwebs."

Ethan pushed Zoe's hands of his and jumped up from the chair, startling Zoe. "I..I'll b..b…be in my room…if you want m…me." he managed to stutter before running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him. He fell against the wall and looked up to the ceiling as his eyes filled with tears. This wasn't like him. He didn't cry and shout or run away. What am I doing? he asked himself as he wiped his nose on his sleeve. He paused and looked at his wet sleeve almost horrified.

"Who am I?" he asked himself out loud. "I'm certainly not the person I used to be."

He wiped his tears from his eyes just as he heard Zoe knock on his door to tell him she was leaving. Ethan froze as he heard her voice, almost scared to be near her after shouting but then pulled the door open and gave her a hug.

"I'm sorry." He sniffed. His voice was muffled and scared like a child and he held his head down in shame as he pulled away from Zoe after the hug. She offered him a tissue with a smile. "Don't worry, it's not your fault. I know things are difficult." she said before leaving. Ethan watched the door close behind her as he wiped his nose with the tissue. He wished he'd told her how he felt rather than running away because he was scared.

He walked over to his bed and flopped in it, then curled up tight in a little ball as he thought about how annoyed he was at himself and his memory. The dull light outside the window from the cloudy sky reflected his mood; grumpy. His eyebrows lay knotted on his scrunched up forehead as he thought out loud.

"I'm so stupid."

* * *

Ethan looked around his room at the papers and photos stuck to the walls and the little labels on everything. He stood up and ripped the labels off the draws angrily. They made him feel so incredibly stupid as if he was a child, only just learning to read. Although, everyone acted as if he was a child nowadays and he did feel like one at times. He just needed to get control of his moods and actions and be himself again.

Cal opened the door to see his brother full of rage and he entered the room slowly.

"What if i'm never the same again?" Ethan asked sadly as he sat down on the bed. He fiddled with the labels in his hands, tempted to tear them to pieces. Cal followed suit and sat down on the sunken bed with a sigh.

"You may be different, in the fact you might not have certain memories but you'll always be Ethan and that's enough for me." Cal reassured.

Ethan thought for a second then snorted with laugher. "That was so cheesy."

His face turned serious again as he fiddled with the labels and began to tear them. "But you're right." he said and stopped himself from making the small wobbly line in the paper any bigger. "It may take years or only a few months but i'll try to get better." he said.

He handed the labels to Cal and smiled. "Tear them up."

"You sure?" Cal said with his eyebrows raised in question.

"Yeah, i'm certain."

Cal tore the labels gingerly watching Ethan's grinning face as the pieces fluttered to the floor.

"Which draw has your shirts in?" Cal asked nervously.

Ethan pulled one of his draws open and smiled as he looked down to see it full of neatly folded shirts, all fresh and crisp.

"Socks?" Cal asked and watched as Ethan confidently pulled open the top draw and exclaimed as it was full of his underwear and socks.

"Shoes?"

"I'm not stupid Cal. They're in the hallway." Ethan said angrily though laughter laced his words. "And your clothes are on the floor." he added with a smirk.


	8. Yes or No

**Hello everyone! Sorry for the absence, i've been and still am, going though a bad bout of depression,anxiety and OCD. It's been a while since I last wrote for this story but after seeing a guest had left a review on this story I thought i'd try and write another chapter for you. Thank you for your continuous support and love for my stories, you fill my heart with joy!**

* * *

Ethan poked his egg with his knife and watched the bight yellow yoke spill onto his toast with a glum expression.

"Eat up nibbles." Cal encouraged as he tucked into his own breakfast.

"I'm just worried it'll be a no." Ethan said and dropped his knife onto his plate with a clatter and pushed it away from him. Cal smiled weakly at his brothers face covered in lines of worry. "It could be a yes though Eth."

Ethan didn't reply but bit his lip as he thought and picked at the strap on his leather bound notepad. With a sigh of anxiety he checked his watch and stood, ready to leave. Cal followed Ethan's lead and left his half eaten meal on the table with a note and couple of pounds.

"Come on, let's get this over with." He said as he put his hand on Ethan's shoulder and gave him reassuring look before they left the small cafe together.

As they passed thought the ED to the lift Cal smiled at the familiar faces but Ethan just stared sadly at his shoes as he thought. What if things were never the same again? Although he felt a lot better he still felt like he wasn't in his right mind, nor was he treated like it. He still felt like a child as Cal carefully monitored his eating habits, medication, where he went and watched everything he did. He was already a protective brother but now it was impossible to escape him although, not that he wanted to do that really, he was still scared.

"Hey boys," Charlie greeted them just as they reached the lift.

"Hello, Charlie." Ethan said, only briefly pausing to remember the correct name.

"It sounds like you're a lot better." Charlie said with a warm smile.

Ethan smiled back though it was more of a grimace then turned round to press the button on the lift.

* * *

"Hold up Eth," Cal said as he pulled Ethan back gently with his hand on his shoulder. "I'm coming with you." Ethan turned around and looked into his brothers eyes shortly then at the hand still on his shoulder. He shrugged it off carefully, gave an unconvincing look of confidence and tried to reassure Cal. "I'll be okay, I can find it myself."

"Are you sure? I wanted to be there for when you came out of the appointment." Cal said as the lines in his forehead deepened with the worry.

"I'll be fine! And you can still be there afterwards, just give me this chance of independence." Ethan said with a slightly tense laugh.

Cal reluctantly let him leave on his own and turned back to Charlie whom gave his usual half hearted smile. "You have to let him do things himself eventually Cal."

"I know but," Cal began as he scratched his head in thought, "he's still not better…and I think he knows that too. That's what's upsetting him."

Charlie gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder before returning to his work.

Ethan inhaled deeply as he watched Cal turn back round to Charlie with a sad expression as the doors of the lift closed. He tried to shake the image out of his mind and turned to the buttons on the wall, pressing the number 4 heavily. Ethan suddenly felt panic rising throughout his chest and his brain flicked and convinced him he'd pressed the wrong button.

'You've done it wrong you idiot! You're going to get lost!' his mind shouted as his breathing quickened. He took a long deep breath as he tried to control his thoughts to no avail. The doors of the lift opened and he looked out to a empty corridor he barely recognised.

"Level 4" the lift announced in a cool voice.

Ethan stumbled into the corridor struggling to move his legs as it seemed they didn't want to work. He turned to watch the doors close and gulped with fear.

'What's so scary? It's just a corridor, get yourself together!' he heard Cal say in his head.

As he moved down the corridors he kept checking the signs in an attempt to figure out which way to go but he'd already forgotten where he was supposed to go. As his breath drew quicker and shorter he felt more and more like he was completely lost. His legs began to slump as his mind wondered to all the worst possibilities and he brought a hand to chest to feel his heart pounding away. He started to wonder why he didn't notice it thumping in his chest only wondering made it worse as it seems to beat even quicker and he felt like he had even less breath, gasping for what he would get. As his legs buckled he stuck his hand out to catch himself and it landed on the wall with a thud. He sat down and scrunched himself up, bringing his knees to his chest as he sobbed into them.

Why can't I just be normal? he thought to himself as he struggled to contain his wailing sobs in between the short hisses of breath. Suddenly he heard his his name be called and he looked up slowly, though teary eyes to see Zoe.

"Oh Ethan!" She said sadly as she dropped to her knees in front of him and grasped his hands tightly.

"Can't…can't…bre..breathe." Ethan stuttered as he avoided Zoe's gaze

"Ethan look at me," she said calmly, "you're having a panic attack but we can deal with it can't we"

Ethan shook his head quickly as he pulled his hands out of Zoe's and clung to his knees again as he hid his head again.

"I'm calling Cal Ethan but I need to you to help me to help yourself." Zoe said as she put her hands on Ethan's again and spoke softly. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and rang Cal, pressing speakerphone as he answered.

"Hello?" Cal's voice said from the phone. Ethan brought his head up to look at Zoe with eyes full of fear.

"Hello, Cal. Ethan and I are on the 4th floor by the cleaning cupboard and he's not feeling too great. Do you think you could come up?" Zoe said.

"Of corse, i'm in the lift right now! What's happened?" Cal said quickly. You could clearly hear the panic in his voice as he questioned what was wrong again.

"He's having a panic attack but he'll be okay, he just needs to try and do what I ask him."

"Ethan, do as Zoe says and i'll be there in a minute!" Cal said in a strained voice before he hung up.

Ethan looked into Zoe's eyes and stuttered "wh…what d…do you want..want me to d..do?"

Zoe's face relaxed a little as she listened to Ethan's stuttering question. "Here." she said as she lifted one of his hands and held it on her chest. "Do you feel my heart? It's beating a lot slower isn't it?"

Ethan nodded slowly as he felt the calm heartbeat under his shaky palm. He tried to take a deep breath as he wiped his tears away from his eyes with his free hand.

"That's it. You're doing great!" Zoe encouraged with a warm smile. She looked up as she heard Cal approaching, almost running to get to his little brother. Ethan looked up too and gave a wobbly smile before bursting into tears again.

"Hey, hey, it's okay Ethan! I'm here now." Cal said as he sat down next to his brother and rubbed his back. "And it looks like you're doing great little bro." he said with a sly grin at his brothers hand resting on Zoe's chest. To his own surprise, Ethan began to laugh as he pulled his hand away and blushed furiously.

"No need to be vile Cal." he said with another chuckle.

"I was only joking!" Cal laughed as he put his hands up in defence. "You feeling better?"

Ethan nodded as he held his hand to his own chest to feel his own heart slowly beating away with no more pain.

* * *

Cal and Ethan walked into the lift the next morning after rescheduling Ethan's appointment because of the unfortunate panic attack.

"I'm scared Cal." Ethan said though he continued to look forward rather than at his brother in fear of tears coming to his eyes.

"Don't worry, whatever they say, i'll be there for you." Cal said as he struggled to avoid a few tears in his eyes himself.

The lift door opened and the cool voice announced the third floor. They walked down the corridor in silence, listening to their shoe's squeaking on the clean floor. As they reached the door Cal pulled Ethan into a hug suddenly.

"I'll be right here when you're finished." he said with a brave smile as he let go of his brother reluctantly.

Ethan merely nodded and pushed his glasses further up his nose as he knocked on the door.

"Come in" a voice sounded from the inside. Ethan took a deep breath as he opened the door and entered.

'Please god, say it's a yes' Cal thought.


	9. Celebrations

**Just a quick note to say that I named Ethan's doctor, Maria, in this chapter after my own doctor whom as helped me with my mental health hugely. It's a bit random and you probably don't really care but I wanted to add people's names in this story that have helped me so that's why I called the doctor Maria and Ethan's nurse/friend Zoe.**

 **CBloom2 - Thank you so much! I was worried my writing was a little rusty as it's been so long! Also thank you for your constant kind and supportive words xx**

 **Becs2202 - You're about to find out in this chapter! I hoped everyone would enjoy the scene between Zoe and Ethan. Although he has Cal it's still nice for Ethan to have another close friend isn't it. Big hugs to you too! x**

 **sweeet-as-honey - You always leave such lovely reviews, thank you! I'm glad you love this story! You're verrrry*** (*correct) **close with your guess about the yes or no but you'll find out if it's right in this chapter! Although Ethan is feeling better physically he's still struggling mentally but it's understandable after what he's gone though. I wasn't sure about adding in Cal's joke but I think Cal still teasing Ethan as well as supporting him makes him feel more normal if you know what I mean? x**

* * *

Ethan's frown relaxed a little as he opened the door as spotted Zoe sitting next to the doctor.

"Hello Dr Hardy, take a seat." the doctor said as she smiled warmly and gestured at the empty seats next to her desk. "My name's Dr Clarke but you're welcome to call me Maria."

As Ethan sat he smiled back at the doctor though it didn't quite reach his eyes, he was merely being polite. She did seem very nice though with kind eyes and a honest smile. Ethan noticed a small ring on a chain around her neck and wondered who's it was; her parents or parter? Someone she'd lost? Maybe that's why she was so loving, as some people with the kindest smiles are the one's who have been hurt the most. He shook his head slightly in an attempt to get his thoughts back on track and turned his eyes to Zoe. She looked so beautiful, like always.

Zoe smiled too as she leant forward and offered Ethan his brown leather notepad. "You left this in the corridor yesterday," she said as she handed it over "I thought you'd want it back."

"Yes thank you." Ethan said as he took the notepad gratefully and sat it on his lap. His fingers wondered over it's spine and then to the strap holding it closed where they fell into his usual rhythm of tapping. It was comforting in a way to tap the book gently or pick at the strap; it reassured him but he wasn't sure why.

"So, we'll have a look at you all over and give you a good check up then we'll head down to CT and check that there isn't anything hiding away but i'm sure there's no need to worry." Maria said in her gentle and calming voice. "Cal and Zoe can come with you too if you like."

Ethan simply nodded in response.

"I also know you wanted to know if you could go back to work soon and I think after i've seen the CT and i'm assured you're okay then we can discuss it."

Ethan nodded again though he was disappointed he had to wait to find out, even if it only a few minutes. He'd wanted to go back to work for so long that now having to wait even longer was just filling him with even more dread.

* * *

Ethan gulped as he was slowly engulfed by the CT scanner. Flashbacks of the day of the accident filled his mind and he was reminded of the fear that had filled him.

Maria pressed the button on the stand of the microphone and leant forward to speak into it. "Are you okay Ethan?" she asked.

Ethan gave a slight nod as he closed his eyes, his brow furrowed with worry. He didn't want to look at his surroundings and be reminded of _that_ day any longer.

"We'll have you out in a second Ethan." Zoe said into the microphone, trying to reassure him as she recognised his face of panic. She turned round to see Cal hunched up, biting his nails, as he watched though the glass too. "Are you okay Cal?" she asked worriedly as she gave him a one armed hug with a sad smile.

"He just looks so…so fragile." Cal said quietly, his speech muffled by his hand in front of his mouth.

Zoe hugged him again, but with both arms this time and was surprised by the weight on her shoulders. Cal leant on her heavily realising how sad and worried he really was. He felt like crying as he looked over Zoe's shoulder at Ethan with his scrunched up nose and furrowed brow.

Cal pulled out of the hug and tried to pull himself together; he couldn't let Ethan see him like this he thought. "Do you want to come round for dinner tonight?" he asked Zoe with a smile.

Zoe laughed awkwardly, "I'm flattered Cal but-"

Cal cut her off, "no,no not like that!" he said and found himself blushing. "I mean, we could celebrate, if Ethan get's his job back. Or…if he doesn't..it might cheer him up." Cal's face fell back to misery as he thought how disappointed Ethan would be if he didn't get the job back that he so dearly loved.

"Zoe smiled, "of corse."

Maria turned round to the pair and smiled broadly. "perfect" she said as she pointed at the scan on the computer screen.

"You mean he's okay?" Cal asked excitedly.

"Yes!" Maria said with a smile. She spoke into the microphone again, "Right, we're finished now Ethan so we'll get you out of there and the good news is you're okay."

Ethan managed to give a smile but with a struggle. 'I'm okay but not i'm not really am I?' he thought. 'Physically, yes but mentally, no. and I don't know what to do about it.'

* * *

"Ethan! Can you open the door please?" Cal called as he heard the bell ring.

"You do it!" Ethan called before retuning to filling out his journal.

"I'm naked!" Cal called back.

"So?" Ethan shouted with a slight laugh.

"Ethan!"

"Fine!" Ethan shouted as he slammed his journal on the desk and started to walk to the door. He paused for a moment just outside his room and frowned at his own actions. Since when did he get so angry? he thought to himself as he held his hands out in front of him and watched them shake with rage. He took a deep breath as he tried to hold them as still as possible.

"You okay nibbles?" Cal asked as he stuck his head out of his bedroom door.

Ethan whipped round suddenly and stuttered, "Ye..yes..i'm fine Cal, put some pants on please." Cal looked at his brother with a bemused but anxious look before pulling his head out of the doorway. Ethan turned and continued to walk to the front door whilst taking a deep breath. He opened the door to see Zoe and his face broke into a genuine smile.

"I'm glad it's you answering the door!" She said with a laugh. "I wouldn't have liked your brother greeting me naked! Here, as we're celebrating." she said with a smile as she passed him the champagne bottle she was holding.

Ethan chucked and invited her in. "I must say you look…wonderful." he said with a stutter as he blushed.

"Thank you." Zoe said as she too blushed. She slipped of her coat to reveal a pale pink dress with an lace top and tule skirt that just skimmed her knees.

"Wow" Ethan said as he breathed out and his eyes widened.

"Alright you too, stop flirting!" Cal teased as he came out of his room. "And admit it Zoe, you would have loved it if I'd answered the door naked." he joked as he took the champagne bottle from her.

"To be honest, it probably would have been one of my worst nightmares!" she said with a chuckle, "If it was Ethan who was naked though…" she said with a sly smile.

"Ohhhh okay, let's open the champagne." Cal said hurriedly. Ethan blushed bright red as he avoided zoe's gaze and turned to fetch the glasses from the kitchen.

Cal groaned as he struggled to pull the cork out of the champagne bottle.

"Need some help?" Zoe offered as she watched Cal put the bottle under his arm, pointing it to the side in an attempt to make it easier to open.

"No, no i'm fine thanks." Cal said as he cork began to come loose. "Nearly got i-" he said but was cut off by the cork flying off and straight towards Zoe.

"Watch out!" Cal said as he watched the cork fly though the air and Zoe jumped out the way quickly as it flew past her but towards Ethan.

"Ethan!" Zoe said but it was too late as the cork hit his eye and he dropped the glasses he was holding in shock.

"Crap" Cal cursed as he ran over to Ethan. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Ethan sighed as he looked at the shattered glass around his feet. "Luckily my glasses stopped it from hitting my eye." he said as he pulled them off and inspected the broken lens. He chuckled as he looked back up at Cal and Zoe watching him worriedly. "That was like something in a comedy movie!" he laughed as soon Cal and Zoe joined in.

Cal started to brush up the glass as Ethan fetched his spare glasses and Zoe pored the champagne. A few minutes later Zoe gave the brothers a glass each and held hers up. "To Ethan, for getting his job back and for being so brave." she said with a proud smile as she looked at Ethan.

They clinked their glasses and all took a sip with smiles of pure joy on their faces. Ethan sat his glass on the coffee table, picked his polaroid camera up and faced it at Cal and Zoe.

"Smile!" he said as he snapped the photo of them with champagne in they hands looking proudly at him. He pulled the photo from the camera and watched it start to develop but looked up suddenly as Cal grabbed the camera out of his hand.

"Let's get one of you and Zoe!" he said as pushed his brother closer to Zoe with a smirk. Zoe put her free hand around Ethan's shoulders and grinned at the camera. Ethan relaxed as he felt her soft skin on his neck and placed his hand around her waist and grinned too. Cal snapped the photo and passed it to Ethan so he could watch it develop; that was his favourite part.

* * *

Zoe looked at her watch after she placed her knife and fork down and said "I should probably head back now, i've got a shift in the morning."

"You can't drive back now, you've been drinking!" Ethan said worriedly.

"I know, i'll just catch the bus." she replied.

"I wouldn't get the bus at this time of night, too many weirdos on them." Cal said as he wiped his mouth with his napkin and dropped it on the table.

"I'll drive you home." Ethan offered as he folded his napkin before placing it on the table neatly.

"Nah, you can just stay over. It's very late and you should rest Ethan." Cal said with a sympathetic glance at his brother.

"Cal i'm fine, I can drive!" Ethan said as he glared at him.

"I'll just kip on the sofa." Zoe said as she laughed to herself at the boys behaviour.

"No, you can sleep in my bed tonight." Cal said with a smile.

"Um, I don't want to added to your long list of girls Cal" Zoe said and watched Ethan stifle a laugh, quickly turning it into a cough.

"No, NO," Cal said alarmed, "not in that way!"

"I'm only joking with you Cal!" Zoe laughed. "I'll just sleep on the sofa, i'll be fine."

"You can sleep in my bed Zoe and I'll sleep on the sofa, I insist. It's really not as comfortable as it looks." Ethan offered.

"Are you sure?" Zoe said as she bit her lip.

"Of corse, it's fine." Ethan smiled.

* * *

"Here," Ethan said as he offered Zoe a pair of his stripped pyjamas.

"Thanks" she said as he accepted them. Ethan handed her a packet of makeup wipes too.

"Cal keeps a packet of these in his bathroom for..you know..when he has someone round." he said with a slight chuckle. Zoe chuckled too and thanked him again.

"Goodnight Ethan." she said with a fond smile.

"Goodnight Zoe." Ethan said before he left.

He sat lay down on the sofa and pulled a cushion underneath his head and lay his blanket over himself, snuggling under it, before falling into a deep sleep.

Zoe watched Ethan as he lay down on the sofa and fall asleep almost immediately before she closed the door to the bedroom quietly. She slipped out of her dress and hung in over the back of Ethan's desk chair then slipped the nightshirt on Ethan had given her, deciding to not wear the trousers for they were far to long for her. She wiped off her makeup with the wipes she was given before getting into the bed, sniffing deeply as it smelt of Ethan. Smiling, she fell into a deep sleep too.

* * *

Ethan sat up abruptly, still half asleep and rubbed his mouth to get rid of the slight drool.

'Why am I on the sofa?' he thought as he took in his slightly blurry surroundings in the dark. His eyes began to droop and his head fell to his chest as he started to fall asleep again. He decided, in his sleepy state, he must have had a nap in the evening and slept for longer than a hour or so like he normally did. Still with his eyes half closed the stood up, forgetting his glasses on the coffee table and began to walk back to his bedroom. He bumped into the arm chair and stubbed his toe making him wake up a bit more and he stuck his arms out in front of him to avoid bumping into something else. As he walked forward a bit more he came to the wall felt for his bedroom door with his hands. After he found the handle to opened it and crawled in his bed, sighing happily before falling back to sleep.


	10. Help

**The past few weeks i've been getting on top of my mental and physical health so sorry for not updating regularly. Here's a extra long chapter as an apology, I hope you enjoy it! Most of it is set in the hospital so as always, sorry if my medical knowledge isn't 100% accurate, but I do try my best.**

 **CBloom2 - I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter, I wanted to write something a bit more lighthearted before Ethan faces the struggles of going back to work. xx**

 **Jynx999 - Thanks for the advice. I'm sorry if the way Zoe/Maria sounded very patronising but like I said, they've based them on people who I know and so I wrote them how those people would speak to me. Personally as well, all doctors i've met can be quite patronising or speak to me like i'm a lot younger than I am aha! xx**

* * *

Ethan watched his cereal gently float in the milk he'd just poured into his bowl and sighed as he recalled the mornings events. He'd woken up to find himself cuddling Zoe and although she wasn't phased and laughed it off, he couldn't shake it off. He found himself flushing bright red again as she appeared from the bedroom, still marked with Ethan's name, and pulled on her coat over her dress.

"Good morn..morning" Ethan said with a slight stutter as he watched her put her bag over her shoulder.

"Morning again" she said with a kind smile.

Ethan looked back down at his bowl and muttered to himself angrily, idiot. He'd already said good morning multiple times, how could he not remember that. He tried to pass it off as nerves although, why should I be nervous he thought. He feared it was his memory and that was a lot worse than being embraced or nervous.

"I'll see you later then. I've got a shift in an hour and i've still got to go back to mine and get into my uniform!" Zoe said with a laugh making Ethan look up from his cereal.

"Uh, ah yes..yes" Ethan said as he struggled to concentrate and get his worrying thoughts out of his mind. "See you later." he said with a smile but it was more forced than natural.

"Bye Cal!" Zoe called as she waited in the doorway, watching Ethan with a worried expression. She turned to leave when she heard Cal shout goodbye back but stopped for a moment a gave another worried, almost pained, look at Ethan. Ethan was oblivious as he continued to stare into his breakfast, thoughts whirling away.

"You take care Ethan" Zoe said with another look of concern but he didn't seem to hear her, he was completely absorbed in his thoughts. He looked up from the soggy bowl of cereal as he heard the door click closed and sighed again. After a moment of thinking he rose from his seat and placed the uneaten bowl of his breakfast in the sink with a thud. He called Cal as he made his way to the bathroom and a moment later Cal appeared in front of him, dressed and ready to leave for work.

"What's wrong?" Cal asked worriedly.

Ethan could of laughed but he didn't, "why do you always assume there's something wrong?" he said with slight humour lacing his words but his expression gave a look of sadness. "I'm going into work today." he said, almost determinedly.

"What? No you can't" Cal said as panic struck his face.

Ethan continued to walk to bathroom as he spoke, "Why can't I?"

"You need to rest! And Ms Beauchamp is expecting you next week not today." Cal said exasperatedly. He knew he was going to struggle to convince Ethan to stay at home, he really needed to rest still and Ethan knew that too, though he would never admit it.

"Cal i'm perfectly fine, i-" Ethan began to fight back but was cut short as the world began to spin and he gripped the wall to support himself. Cal rushed forward as he noticed his brothers face drop and put his arm under Ethan's to support him. "What's wrong?" he asked as he felt Ethan grow heavier and he leant on Cal as his legs grew weaker.

"I'm just dizzy, i'll pass" Ethan said and closed his eyes as he tried to wish the dizziness away. Cal hit his brothers face firmly in panic as it began to droop slightly.

"Ethan? Ethan, can you hear me?"

Ethan's eyes flew open and he pushed his brothers hands out of his face. "Get off! I'm fine you idiot, I'm just tired." he said and stood fully again, pushing Cal's arm from his back too. "I'm going to work and you can't stop me."

* * *

As Ethan walked down through reception he smiled at people he recognised but could hear Cal running behind him, hot on his heals. Cal caught up with him but Ethan sped up trying to walk as quick as he could without breaking into a run.

"Ethan, you can't just run away!" Cal said angrily as he grabbed his brothers arm and stopped him in his tracks. He looked into his brothers eyes and his expression softened as he saw them filled with sadness.

"Says you Cal." Ethan said with disgust as he pulled his arm away leaving Cal to hide the hurt look on his face as he watched his brother disappear into the staff room.

"You okay?" Robyn asked as she approached Cal.

"Ethan's not himself. He's not well but he's refusing to listen to me."

"That sounds like you, refusing to listen and do as you're told!" Robyn snorted but stopped laughing as she saw the look on Cal's face. "I'm sorry, i'll keep an eye on him today."

Ethan stood in the doorway of the ED as he watched a young girl come out of the ambulance on a trolly. He swung his stethoscope round his neck, ready to jump into action as he asked "What have we got?"

"We've got Rose here with a deep laceration to her left thigh and moderate blood loss. The bleeding subsided with pressure. GCS is 15, Pulse is 80 and BP is 110/70, sats are 98%. She's refused pain relief and this is mum Josie and stepdad Richard." Ian recited as they walked though the ED and into reception.

"Bay 3 please." Ethan said as they swept though the doors but Ian stopped Ethan as he caught his arm and let Jez continue with the trolly to the bed.

"It's very likely it's self harm and there was a knife at the scene but the parents aren't convinced." Ian said. Ethan nodded and walked back over to Rose to treat her. He looked at her leg, gently pulling off the gauze, to see a neat but deep cut under all the blood at an angle that meant it could only have been made by Rose herself with her right hand.

"I think we should call psych." Ethan said to Robyn quietly, avoiding the gaze of the worried parents.

"So how did you get this cut Rose?" Ethan asked gently as he pulled on gloves.

"I told the paramedics! I cut it on glass!" Rose said abruptly as she pushed her long red hair out of her face roughly. She winced as Ethan pressed the skin around the cut. "I broke my..mirror..and dropped a piece of glass on my leg whilst I was clearing it up." She added hastily.

"You know that anything you tell me is in confidence." said Ethan but Rose ignored him and looked into her lap instead. She looked ashamed and almost fearful he thought as he examined the cut.

"Are you sure you don't want pain relief?" Ethan asked, expecting another sharp reply but instead Rose looked up at him and gently nodded. He smiled at her sympathetically then turned to look at her arm to see small bruises dotted around her wrist shaped like, "fingerprints" Ethan said out loud without thinking.

"What?" Robyn said confusedly.

"Uh, never mind." Ethan said and tried to wave away the matter but Robyn continued to stare at him with a puzzled look. "Rose needs IV access with a litre of saline. We'll give her 5 of morphine and do a fbc as well." he said and gave a nod before leaving resus.

"You okay?" Cal asked as he watched Ethan log onto a computer.

Ethan replied without even looking. "I'm fine." he said as he scrolled though the files.

"Are you sure? You can always take a break" Cal began but stopped as Ethan looked up at him with an expression of deep annoyance.

"I've got a girl in resus with a deep laceration from self harm but she's got some bruises on her arm and she's not made them."

Cal shifted his papers as he thought then said, "are you sure she's not caused them? Even by accident?"

"No but they're shaped like fingerprints." Ethan said. This brow was furrowed with worry which creased deeper as Robyn ran out of resus and called his name frantically.

Ethan jumped from his seat and jogged to resus to find Rose desperately trying to get out of bed as pushed her mother and Robyn out of the way. She ripped the IV line from her hand as she got down from the bed, having escaped her mothers clutches, and tried to make a run for it. Ethan ran forward to catch her as she wobbled and limped on her leg but she was stronger than she looked as she pushed Ethan's arms from her and began to run despite the pain. As she got to the doors of resus she pushed them open with all her might and fled, whimpering slightly from the pain. No sooner had she left, Ethan and Robyn were running after her.

Rose slowed almost to a stop as her head began spinning and her chest felt like it was suddenly absent of air. She stumbled forward but as she began to topple over Ethan caught her, having had caught up with her.

"Robyn get a trolly!" Ethan called as he lay the girl down gently and reapplied pressure to her leg which was bleeding again. "Rose, can you hear me?" he asked as he tapped her face gently. Her eyes flickered open gently and Ethan sighed in relief. Robyn and another nurse appeared with a trolly and they lifted Rose on it whilst keeping pressure on her bleeding cut.

As they re-entered resus Rose's mother ran to her daughter and to everyone's surprise began shouting in her face.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you stupid girl!" she almost screamed so close to her face that Rose clamped her hands over her ears and cowered.

"Mrs Stevens, would you like to step outside for a moment?" Ethan said calmly but firmly. His expression remained cool as he watched her eyes dart around the place, taking in everyone's shocked faces before she straightened up and darted, walking towards the doors.

"She's just a big drama queen!" Mrs Stevens said quickly as she turned to Ethan once they were outside resus. "Ever since her father left and Richard and I married she's been so silly. Refusing to go out the house, moping around everywhere. I mean she won't even go near Richard, she says she hates him!"

Ethan looked though the door of resus to see Rosie crying and hugging Richard. He looked back at Mrs Stevens and raised his eyebrows as he sighed. "Mrs Stevens," he began.

"You can call me Josie." Mrs Stevens interjected with a half hearted smile.

"Josie," Ethan began again, "do you have any idea what could be upsetting Rose?"

Josie straightened up again and cleared her throat. "I told you, it's Richard but she's going to have to learn to live with him and get on with life." she said stiffly as she gripped onto her handbag that was swung over her shoulder. Ethan watched as her knuckles were slowly turning white.

"Right." he said and gave a small nod before turning and entering resus again, his expression still as cool as ice.

"No! No! Keep _her_ away from me!" Rose screamed as she pointed her finger, her eyes wide and full of terror. Ethan turned to see Josie had come back in the room behind him and then back at Rose to see the finger was pointing at her.

Rose cowered into the bed as she watched her mother come closer and gripped onto her Stepdads hand tighter. "No, No! I won't let you hurt me anymore!" she screamed as her mother took another step forward.

"It's okay Rose" Ethan said as he walked over to the bed.

"What do you mean anymore sweetie?" Robyn said as she rubbed the girls shoulder to try and soothe her.

"Don't listen to her, she's just being a drama queen as always." Josie said but the anger in her voice made her husband frown worriedly.

"Yes Rosie, what do you mean anymore?" Richard asked with a wobble in his voice.

Rose lent forwards and slowly slipped her cardigan off and pulled the back of her dress down to reveal cuts and large bruises covering her back. Richard gasped slightly before fire filled his eyes and he turned to look back at Josie.

"How on earth could you do this her?" he roared as he put a hand on Rose's shoulder and pulled her close.

Josie stayed silent then suddenly whipped around and began running, bursting the doors of resus open, leaving them swinging. Ethan ran after her, chasing her down the corridors but he just couldn't catch up with her. As neared reception he noticed Cal and called his name as he passed him. A few seconds later Cal had sped past him and pulled Josie to a stop as they reached the entrance.

"Thanks" he said breathlessly as he slowed to a stop and grinned at his brother.

* * *

"That will be £1.75" the old lady in the shop said to Ethan as she passed him a cup of coffee. Ethan handed his money over and took a deep sip as he left the small shop and walked over to reception.

"Are you free to go on a call Ethan? There's been a train crash and Jez and Ian could do with extra help to go with them." Rita asked.

"Yeah sure." Ethan said before quickly drinking the rest of this coffee. He knew if Cal would find out he would try and stop him so he kept a eye out as he headed to the ambulance station.

As they drove in the ambulance to the site of the train crash Ethan felt himself nodding off slightly but the occasional bump in the road would wake up up again with a jolt. He felt angry at himself for snoozing while on shift but he just felt so tried and Ian kept giving him sympathetic looks.

"Are you okay Ethan?" Ian asked as he glanced at him again, as he jolted awake from a speed bump.

"I'm fine thanks." Ethan said with another yawn. "I just stayed up late last night then didn't get much sleep."

"Who kept you you up late eh?" Jez laughed with a sly grin but fell silent after a stern look from Ian.

* * *

As he jumped out of the ambulance Ethan felt wobbly on his feet. He looked around a took in his surroundings to see a train carriage on it's side with people being treated or looking frantically for their loved ones.

"Over here!" Ethan heard someone call and began to run in the direction of the voice. He shook his head slightly as his vision went slightly fuzzy and he struggled to bring his concentration back onto what was going on rather than the worries in his head. He stopped running and put his head in his hands momentarily as he waited for the dizziness to pass.

'You're fine!' he thought to himself as he swayed on the spot. Seconds later he felt himself falling down and heard the same voice who was shouting for his help, now shouting for help for him. His eyes flickered open again to see Ian standing over him with a worried expression.

"You okay mate?" he asked as he held out his hand, offering to help him up.

Ethan gladfully excepted Ian's hand to help pull himself up but lied as he said, "I'm fine, just tired."

"I'll get you back, you're clearly exhausted Ethan. You can't work like this."

He didn't even bother arguing back as he felt his legs growing weaker just from standing and his head spun. He merely nodded as he headed back to the ambulance.

* * *

Ethan stepped out of the ambulance as he arrived back at A&E and stepped aside to let the patient on the trolly be wheeled in, by Ian and Jez, to be treated. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he felt the cool breeze whip around in his hair and on his cheeks. Tiredness waved over him again and he pulled off his glassed and rubbed his eyes with a sigh. As the world came back into focus when he put his glasses back on he saw Cal running towards him with a frantic expression.

"Cal! What's wrong?" He asked hurriedly as his brother slowed to a show in front of him.

"You! I'm worried about you!" Cal's voice wobbled as he spoke. Ian said you were tired and collapsed at the scene."

Ethan sighed and rubbed his temples to calm himself down. "I'm fine Cal, stop wording about me." he said abruptly with a face full of anger.

Cal pulled his brothers arms down from his forehead and looked him straight in the eye as he spoke, carefully and quietly. "Ethan, you are not okay. You need to rest. Go home, have something to eat and sleep." He pulled Ethan into a hug as he watched his brothers face crumple up. Ethan clung tight to him as he began to cry.

"You're right. I'm not okay and I don't know if I ever will be." Ethan said though stuttering breaths, before tucking his head into his brothers shoulder.

"Oh Ethan." was all Cal could manage to say as he felt his bother tremble and shake in his arms from the deep sobs. He could feel his own eyes welling up too and he listened to the pain in the crying.

"I'm sorry." Ethan said as he pulled away from Cal slowly and looked up at him with red eyes.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Cal said sympathetically but honestly as he rubbed in arm in an attempt to comfort him.

"Can we go home?" Ethan asked quietly with his head hung low, like a small child.

"Of corse we can. I'll just clear it with Rita and we'll head back." Cal said as he pulled his bother close with one arm and began walking back into the hospital.

* * *

"You go and get changed and i'll be there in a minute" said Cal before turning the opposite way and heading to cubicles.

Ethan nodded and continued his way to the staff room, shuffling his feet slowly along the corridor as he hoped with al his heart he didn't bump into someone he knew. As he entered the Staff room he spotted Robyn sat with a cup of tea, grinning happily to herself. Ethan tried to continue to his locker without attracting attention but as he put the key in the door Robyn looked up and her smile vanished.

"What's wrong Ethan?" She asked worriedly and she placed her cup down. She patted the seat next to her and waited as Ethan slowly made his way over to the seat and sat down.

"I'm not okay." Ethan said quietly. "I don't know if i'll ever be the same again and that frightens me. People will leave me and i'll be alone. I don't want to be alone."

Robyn was taken aback but placed her hand on his that were sat in his lap. "You'll never be alone Ethan." she said and watched as he looked at her with big sad eyes. "No one will leave you because you are kind and honest and if you're going though a hard time then your friends will want to help you, not abandon you. If they do leave then clearly they aren't a true friend but I would say nobody in his department is like that. We all help each other."

Ethan sighed and a small smile appeared as he looked fondly at Robyn. "Thank you." he said gratefully.

"Don't mention it, i'll always be here if you need me." She said with a broad smile. "I'll put the kettle on again. There's nothing tea can't fix."


End file.
